Insecurities & Jealousy

3AM

Insecurities & Jealousy

Is it the holiday season or is it the season to measure up in a dick swinging contest?

So this really has been the unpack the bullshit year, untangling the hang ups I was raised or exposed to so I can fly higher. Lately everyone has been tryna in-flick their insecurities and jealously on me.  Why? I wish I had a crystal ball and a one dose pill of answers. Ain’t shit glamorous going on over here but that never stopped individuals from tryna put me in a box so they could feel better about themselves.   Is the grass really greener on the other side? Cuz all I see are weeds that need pruning.

For the longest time, I could never understand my mother. The true definition of a scorpio and a sad individual wrapped onto one.  Currently cut out of my life for personal sanity reasons, communication is and never was her strong suit. Always inflicting what she thinks is best or not best for my life, with piss poor execution communication skills. Example college, never was a real topic in my household until senior year. It went from she will figure it out to yes she’s going to college.  Do I have a voice? No. Are you paying or taking loans out for my education? No. So, why when I mentioned I wanted to take a gap year – “you wont amount to anything except working at a supermarket…” well over ten years later those words are still etched in my memory like I was 17 all over again just without the venom. Instead of saying something civil like no one has finished or went to college in our family, and it would mean a lot to me why don’t you consider some local inexpensive choices while you work part time until you figure it out… Was too much for her to put together so I spent four years, two different schools, a heaping dose of depression and debt for someone else’s dream. I couldn’t tell you where my diploma is currently but I know its still in the cardboard it was mailed in, and I’m still underpaid and overlooked talent in the work force. Thanks Ma!

Friends thinking your lane looks shiner than there’s or they categorize you as the sidekick in their eyes so god forbid you luck out and get the cute dude in the club one night. You don’t deserve him he should be with me and from that point on did whatever it took to sabotage whatever relationship your tryna build. Boyfriends thinking they supporting but they really competing. Is it the holiday season or is it the season to measure up in a dick swinging contest? Either way the jealously and insecurities of others isn’t gonna stop my sunshine.  Hitting the delete button on half of my rolodex – if I put more energy in any interactions with people than they do me, delete.  Save the happy holiday text for someone else, the double tap on someone else’s picture with likes, and lies I was busy. I’m not currently in the season to tolerate half ass friends, family and associates due to their insecurities or hangups on life.

 

Main Photo by Jim Sewastynowicz

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