Shadows

3AM

Shadows

So the lunar eclipse was last week (Jan 21) and I couldn’t sleep for a week. For a full 5 days, every night toss and turn, turn and toss. It was starting to piss me off around day three. I mediated, walked, colored, nothing was working. WTF! Most eclipses make people feel a bit on edge or emotional. My friends was popping Xanax, and I was staring at my CBD oil but I still wanted to know the root of the problem. And then came Friday…

Friday itself means prepare for the weekend. Whether you party all weekend, run errands, sleep in, it symbolize for most, two consecutive days off. A random text message popped on my phone. “Wut up Cuz” Excuse me?! who the hell is dis… Giving backstory on a broken family tree. My family ain’t close, interactions is more like walking on an active minefield. You just ever know when shit is going to pop off and go left. So I spent the next hour listening to someone I’ve never met or knew existed says he’s part of the family and he’s happy as hell to connect dots to his life. – Let’s pause the story right here- I’m wise enough to admit every child whose parent is missing in their life is always searching for that missing relationship no one can fulfill. Hell, my father died when I was five and the only picture of us that exists I do not possess. I never was able to be “daddy’s little girl” One can not miss what they never experienced. Was I ever consciously looking for a male figure when I was younger? No, my family kept me plenty on my toes throughout my childhood and adolescence that escapism is the only word that sums up years leading up to 18. Not having a father figure only really shows through my failed relationships with men that has me currently on why bother mode. Getting back to the story at hand. Not trying to put a pin in my new cousin’s glory – As politely as I quote “you didn’t miss a motherfuckin’ thing.” and “I need to go process the shit you just informed me of“. I hung up the phone agggggggy(agitated). So the universe just unleashed someone ten years older than me, that missed hell on earth and now wants to be best of buds. Ha! -You can come out of the shadows whenever you want however this point in my life, I don’t care. I have been the black sheep since middle school. Cousin can have the batton, the glory, be the new superglue to hold everyone together for this moment. As the raw emotions fluttered through my mind throughout the day about the past no one can fix or will ever apologize for the sun was setting. As I neatly packed the skeletons back into the closet once more, I felt at peace. Not because of the new addition to the family, I’m not trying to wrap my head around his jacked-up timeline, but because I survived this curve ball that has been rippling in the sea over a week effecting my sleep. And with that peace came the sleep, I was looking for all week.

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